....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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