Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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