wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
