I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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