did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
