If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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