One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
