I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
