I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
