ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
