I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
