You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
