I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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