People in love make me want to vomit
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
