Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
