I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
