She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
