Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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