Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
