A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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