Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
