I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
