I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
