I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
