Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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