Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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