My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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