Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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