Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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