have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
