Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
This toilet bowl is my home.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
