Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
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