Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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