My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
