On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
