The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
