Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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