Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
it's like heaven, but drunker
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Randomize
