good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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