dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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