FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
there is glitter all over my balls
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