I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
