I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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