I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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