just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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