I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
