I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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