Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
