she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
