i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
