Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
