i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
