She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
